Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Billy Mays would be ashamed...

Saturday night the lovely wife and I were watching a movie on TV, "Fun with Dick & Jane" I believe. Thanks to TiVo, we found the movie, even though it's on a channel (Ion TV) we don't normally watch. We were both pretty tired, and were basically trying to kill time until we could get in bed without feeling like old folks.

Well, apparently the biggest demographic that watches IonTV on Saturday evenings IS old folks, er Senior Citizens. After the 3rd commercial break, I noticed that there were three mini-infomercials for similar products: Nail Clippers with a Magnifying Glass Attached, Rechargable Hearing Aids, and... well I can't remember the 3rd, but it was along the same lines as the first two.

-- No memory jokes, I already felt old enough --

The thing about these ads, is that all three lacked the usual "just three easy payments of $39.99" jingle, and instead advertised a "30-day, in-home trial for just $14.95." Nope, that's not a typo, a "30-day in-home trial" coupled with "for just $14.95."

I don't want to insult, or question the intelligence of our older generations, but I do know that many a less-than-scrupulous entrepeneurs have used tricky wording or deceptive tactics to defraud the those in their golden years.

While I think the King of Pop deserves a dignified farewell, I think "stories" that equate to nothing more than a sound-byte and file footage have displaced the news of some lesser celebrities' passings, one of which being Mr. Billy "JUST ONE SCOOP OF OXI-CLEAN" Mays. I don't know about you, but I know Mr. Mays wouldn't have stood by for this kind of thing. I hope Sully sets these folks straight.


Wednesday, January 28, 2009

I hate you, CSI!

Really, it's more of a love/hate type of relationship.  I love CSI because it's actually got some pretty good drama.  I also like it because I enjoy shows with good drama that also include cops using technology.  But that's also where the hate comes in.  Take CSI New York for example.  Tonight, they are chasing a bank robber/murderer.  In one scene, they have a frame of video from a traffic cam, (an entirely plausible scenario)  what isn't plausible, however, is when they take crop the frame down to a facial-sized image, and run it for "facial landmarks"  yeah, all of about 50 pixels can yield "facial landmarks," right.  For their next magic trick, they take a sticker located on the car's door, which is about 15 pixels, and enhance it enough to get a VIN number.  From 15 pixels.  Riiiiiight.

But I'm no stranger to the exaggerated capabilities of technology, I've watched 24 for several seasons, and scoffed at my fair share of "Chloe, send a live satellite image feed of the area to my pda!" moments.  The problem here, is when that TV expectation gets transferred to real life.  I spend several hours a month explaining the "pixels are pixels" concept to co-workers and colleagues.  It's maddening, being asked, "Can't you CSI this up a little bit and get a plate number?"  "No, sorry, I can't.  Unlike the film crew from CSI, I don't have a secondary hi-res image of the plate to edit together with the video footage."

So my plea is this:  Would it really hurt the show's watchability if the tools were realistic?  I mean, come on, who really believes lines like, "I grabbed this footage from a freeway cam and zoomed in on this cell phone in this guy's car and saw the number he was calling."  Sheesh!!

Your thoughts?

Monday, January 26, 2009

Birthday List 2009

Pretty soon, I'm going to be a quarter-centry old.  To celebrate the occasion, I'm posting a birthday list online - right here on the good ol' inter-web.  For convenience, I've linked most entries.

Here we go...



4.  Floor-jack (no link, sorry)

5.  Jack-stands

5.  Air-powered impact wrench


7.  Lowe's or Home Depot gift cards

8.  Tools or home-improvement stuff

9.  A back yard


11. Garage shelving material

12.  Storage like Dad has in his wood-working area

Anything else cool or gadget-y.

Sunday, January 4, 2009

Why does everything I touch break?

I'm almost proud of myself; today I crashed a Lowe's self checkout kiosk.  I had returned a duplicate Christmas gift, which resulted in a store-credit gift card, and we had a $79 prepaid Visa/Store credit gift card that was a rebate for the delivery cost on our Dishwasher & Refrigerator.  So we went to self check-out, as usual, because I don't mind chipping in on their labor costs to save some time.

We had a few large items, like trash cans, so the cashier was helpful enough to scan the big stuff.  When it came time to pay, I used the store-credit/gift card first, and all went as planned.  Then I tried to use the prepaid/rebate card as a Visa (since it had the Visa logo and a signature panel, and CVV code).  When we swiped it, the chaos began.  It declined the card, then prompted that we'd need assistance.  So the cashier took the card, and tried to run it.  That failed, because apparently you have to tell the machine how much the card is worth.  (I suggested $1 Million, or $Texas, but she refused both).  So we tried entering $79, and after giving ZIP code, cardholder name, and several other bits of not-necessary-but-whatever information, it tried running the card again, and failed.  So the cashier gets the lead, who tries a few other things, none of which work.  They even started to cancel it and ring us up normally, but since we'd already surrendered the gift card to the self-checkout box, that wouldn't work either.  So they said here, try it again as a credit.  I pushed the credit button, and everything ground to a halt.  No buttons on the touch screen, no indication, even the cashier's screen froze at one point.  I heard the lead on the phone with tech support, "okay, it's saying enter username and password."  My inner geek couldn't resist any longer, and I watched as she activated the hidden secret button, and up popped a familiar Windows UI, and some Lowe's-branded "Ctrl+Alt+Delete" type screen, followed by a reboot.

Finally, they concluded that they would ring us up normally, but discount several items equal to the amount of the gift card, then use the prepaid card as "usual".  In the end, that worked, and rather than having to pay out-of-pocket for the $1.01 something difference, we ended up with a balance of about $3 on the prepaid card that we chalked up to a "convenience discount" for spending as long at the register as we did in the store.  And as for the prepaid card, I doubt we'll even try to use it after that experience!

Monday, December 8, 2008

Four Christmases

We (De and I) went to see Vince Vaughn and Reese Witherspoon's holiday movie, "Four Christmases" last Thursday, to celebrate De's birthday.

In the movie, the Brad (Vaughn) and Kate (Witherspoon) celebrate Christmas each year by traveling someplace exotic to make life better for the idignious people of wherever they end up.

Or at least that's what they tell their families. "You can't spell 'families' without 'lies'" they say. In reality, they couple vacations at a tropical resort and waits out the holiday madness with an umbrella drink in hand. As foolproof as their plan seems, things go awry when San Francisco fog grounds outbound flights, and things get even worse when a reporter and camera crew interview Brad and Kate, spoiling the ruse.

To save ruining the movie any further, I'll just say that the story plays out with scene after scene of embarassing revelations, awkward moments, and more than one gross-out gag.

This year, De and I will be celebrating four Christmases of our own. The number is actually more like seven, but only (only!) four are actually on the 25th. I did the math, and if we get up at 6:00, and come home at 11:00 PM, that'll be 16 hours, roughly four at each party, including driving time. And while our driving isn't too bad this year, last year it was Ripon to Manteca, back to Ripon, then to Stockton, then finally back home.

And I wish it were just as simple as saying, "hey, look, we're just NOT going to be able to make it..." but it's not. Two of the four celebrations are with our parents, and the other two are grandparents. None are parties we're willing to miss, and the grandparent parties are so big it's almost impossible to change the date.

So when you're relaxing on the couch, playing with your new toys, think of us, running ragged between parties.

"I don't know what to tell you Audrey, except that it's the holidays... and we're ALL miserable."

-Beverly D'Angelo as Ellen Griswold, National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation

Friday, November 21, 2008

Injured Ninja

On Friday, August 15 2008, while riding my beloved 2005 Kawasaki Ninja 500r home from work, an inattentive driver rear-ended both me and the motorcycle, sending the bike tumbling some 30 feet, and bouncing me both onto the hood of the car, and subsequently onto the pavement. I jumped back to my feet, looked behind me, and then stood very confused about what had happened. I am truly blessed to have walked (or perhaps limped) away from the crash. The sum of my injuries were back trauma (caused when I back-flopped onto a Honda Accord Hood) a minor abrasion to my, er, "lower back" a skinned knee, and a minor cut on my hand. I was wearing most of my safety gear (a padded jacket and helmet, though no gloves), and boy am I thankful. I walked away with considerably minor injuries. The ninja, well, not so much. What follows is a cross-posting from my MySpace blog (posted here for the non-MySpacers) from a week after the accident. Submitted for your review...

As most of you know already, this Friday will make two weeks since my motorcycle crash. If you don't already know, August 15th, (it was a Friday) I was rear-ended on my motorcycle while on the way home from work. Fortunately I'm OK, and I walked away with very minor injuries considering how bad it could have been.

It was almost surreal. On my way home I had seen my friend Andy about 300 yards ahead of me as I turned onto Jack Tone. I thought I'd try to catch up with him, so once I was on Jack Tone, I moved to the left lane to pass a few cars and try to catch up. The light turned red and held him up, so I figured I'd get up to him in time. But he turned right and got onto the freeway, with about 3 cars between he and I. So I followed him, figuring that as long as I took the Main Street exit, it wasn't too far out of my way.

I merged onto 99, and was now further behind him. I was feeling a bit "frisky" so I moved to the center lane and again passed some cars trying to get up closer to him, but about half way to Main Street, I resigned that he was too far ahead, and the freeway is no place to get reckless, so I slowed down, merged right, and exited at Main Street.

I'll just text him when I get home. With that my mind was back ..ing the door. How many weeks had we been without one? Was it four? Five? I'll just be glad to have it back up. On the far side of the freeway now, I saw pedestrians waiting to cross the street, so I motioned to them that I'd wait while they crossed. As they crossed in front of me (in the left lane, waiting to turn left onto Milgeo) a car shot across the intersection making them take pause to let it by. "Stinkin' impatient people" I thought.

They finished crossing, and I made my left turn. As I approached Oak Street, and signalled to turn left, I again saw the pedestrians crossing, so I stopped to wait again. "I wonder what we should have for dinner," I began idly thinking, waiting for my turn, "it's too hot for--"

Suddenly I was overwhelmed by the sensation that I had no idea what was happening to me. I heard a loud crashing sound, but when I play it back in my mind now it just sounds like noise. I remember thinking "I'm crashing... but I wasn't moving... somebody must have hit me... I hope I live..." I remember seeing bright white for a few seconds, but I don't remember seeing anything else. I know at one point I shouted something like, "HOLY CRAP!" I remember coming to a stop at one point, and
thinking, "I'm still thinking, I must be alive, I'm OK!" and then I remember starting to move again. Finally I came to a stop, and without thinking, I shot up to my feet and looked behind me, hoping and praying that there wasn't another car
about to take me down again. Thankfully, there wasn't. Just two very surprised and scared people who jumped out of the car and shouted, "ARE YOU OKAY?"


That's what my, um, "southern hemisphere" did to her hood.

Full of adrenaline and endorphins, I felt like I was, so I grabbed my radio and shouted back "I think so!" After listening for open air, I keyed up:
"Ripon, IT01"
"IT01 go ahead."
"Uh, I've uh, just been involved in a TC at... Oak and East Main... can you send a unit?"
"Tom-Six Copies"
"King-Sixty, I'll be en-route"
"10-4, Break. IT01 confirming, Doak and... Stockton?"
"Negative, East Main and Oak -- Avenue"
"10-4. Any injuries?"
I shout to the two standing by the car that just punted me, "Are you guys injured?"
Puzzled looks on both faces, they both shake their heads, "No."
"Negative Injuries"
"10-4"

I'm pretty surprised at how calm I sounded, now listening to the playback. Considering how scared and shaken I still was.

Within about 2 minutes, I heard sirens that meant help and friends were on the way. I began directing traffic around the two vehicles, trying not to look at my poor broken up Ninja. It's hard to look at, it looks so unnatural seeing a motorcycle laid down. I've owned it for three years and haven't laid it down once, now here it lay in the middle of Friday afternoon traffic, for all to see.


Doesn't it just look unnatural?









Tom-Six got there almost immediately, and King-Sixty just a few seconds later. They took photos, we stood my bike back up, moved it to the curb, where I sat, once I started feeling the hurt. De showed up just a few minutes later, showing a ton of strength as she was all business, no fear. My parents & grandparents came out too. Both the Fire Chief, and our Chief came out. And ours reminded me that even though I was wearing one, my thick head probably didn't even need the helmet. Fire & Medics showed up to check me out, and I got a (relatively) clean bill of health. No need to transport. We wrapped up, after me offering to show Sam-Five-Three my road-rash, situated well South of my lower back.

Tom-Seven-Three rode the limping motorcycle home for me, as parts fell off, and after changing, De and I headed off to the ER. After getting called into Triage, De heard Keri's voice from the other side of the wall, and we peeked our heads out.

Knowing that my parents were at Dinner with Nana & Papa, Mike & Keri came to check in on me.

The ER went faster than I expected, and after a quick stop at the pharmacy, and then In-N-Out, we were home. I went to bed with a full belly and an aching back.

In retrospect, I have nothing to complain about. I was blessed for it to have happened like it did. The driver who hit me
was driving a Honda Accord, which has a very low nose portion, so instead of flinging me off the bike and onto the road, I
just flew back onto her hood. For some reason (God) I decided not to bring my Laptop into the office that day, so I wasn't wearing my backpack, which would have complicated things. (There's a horizontal strap that probably would have choked me, not to mention how much worse the trauma would have been with that on my back.) It was a friday, so I was wearing jeans instead of my uniform, which meant that my Gerber Tool and Knife were not on me, both of which would have done some major damage if they had been between me and the other car's hood, or the asphalt. I even took my work key ring out of my pocket and threw it in my tank bag before leaving work (which I NEVER do). Those keys probably would have embedded themselves into my leg (or worse!) had I crashed with them in my pocket. Even the physics of the impact have God's fingerprints all over them. Most accidents fling the rider over the bike and either into oncoming traffic, under the car behind them, or onto pavement. As for me, I just bounced back onto her hood, and then rolled onto the ground when she finally saw me and hit her brakes. No doubt about it, God had my back.

So now I'm down to fighting with insurance to get my bike paid for, medical bills paid, and compensation for time off work.

And that's how I made the transition from the group who "Hasn't laid the bike down...yet" to the group who has. Having
survived it, it's kinda a good feeling. No more pressure.

Now, four months later not a lot has changed. The insurance company paid out (handsomely) for the motorcycle, but I'm still waiting on HIPPA forms, HR paperwork, and many other things for the rest of the settlement. The good news is, I decided to go out on top, and De and I now sport new Dell XPS Laptops instead of a replacement motorcycle. I hurt much less, but it's still pretty frightening thinking about that "CRUNCH!" Even tonight, De and I were headed to Modesto, and as usually happens during the commute, the Pelandale exit got backed up. After about two minutes of sitting with our tails hanging out onto SB 99's slow-lane, I decided to take a detour (and a 10 minute delay before dinner) just to get out of the congestion. Paranoia or safety-consciousness, I don't know, but I felt better about it. Oh, and I got back on the [iron] horse, just to prove to myself I could:

Okay, I admit, the photo is doctored. I don't look that fast/blurry in real life. Below is the REAL picture.












My good friend Andy let me ride his new Honda CBR 954RR. Ironic, huh? Knocked off my bike by a Honda, and I return to a Honda. I was litterally shaking when I got off that beast.